決勝健身房的27條軍規（雙語）

fliger

This is the time of year when even people who hate the gym think about going to the gym. Many of us are still digesting whole floors of gingerbread houses, and jeans that fit comfortably in October are now a denim humiliation.

Sweating is a good way to begin 2012. Exercise, like dark chocolate and office meetings that suddenly get canceled, is a proven pathway to nirvana. But if you're going to join a gym -- or returning to the gym after a long hibernation -- consider the following:

1. A gym is not designed to make you feel instantly better about yourself. If a gym wanted to make you feel instantly better about yourself, it would be a bar.

2. Give yourself a goal. Maybe you want to lose 10 pounds. Maybe you want to quarterback the New York Jets into the playoffs. But be warned: Losing 10 pounds is hard.

3. Develop a gym routine. Try to go at least three times a week. Do a mix of strength training and cardiovascular conditioning. After the third week, stop carrying around that satchel of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

4. No one in the history of gyms has ever lost a pound while reading 'The New Yorker' and slowly pedaling a recumbent bicycle. No one.

5. Bring your iPod. Don't borrow the disgusting gym headphones, or use the sad plastic radio attachment on the treadmill, which always sounds like it's playing Kenny Loggins from a sewer.

6. Don't fall for gimmicks. The only tried-and-true method to lose 10 pounds in 48 hours is food poisoning.

7. Yes, every gym has an overenthusiastic spinning instructor who hasn't bought a record since 'Walking on Sunshine.'

8. There's also the Strange Guy Who is Always at the Gym. Just when you think he isn't here today . . . there he is, lurking by the barbells.

9. 'Great job!' is trainer-speak for 'It's not polite for me to laugh at you.'

10. Beware a hip gym with a Wilco step class.

11. Gyms have two types of members: Members who wipe down the machines after using them, and the worst people in the universe.

12. Nope, that's not an 'recovery energy bar with antioxidant dark chocolate.' That's a chocolate bar.

13. Avoid Unsolicited Advice Guy, who, for the small fee of boring you to death, will explain the proper method for any exercise in 45 minutes or longer.

14. You can take 10 Minute Abs, 20 Minute Abs, and 30 Minute Abs. There is also Stop Eating Pizza and Eating Sheet Cake Abs -- but that's super tough!

15. If you're motivated to buy an expensive home exercise machine, consider a 'wooden coat rack.' It costs $40, uses no electricity and does the exact same thing.

16. There's the yoga instructor everyone loves, and the yoga instructor everyone hates. Memorize who they are.

17. If you see an indoor rock climbing wall, you're either in a really cool gym or a romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson.

18. Be cautious about any class with the words 'sunrise,' 'hell,' or 'Moby.'

19. If a gym class is going to be effective, it's hard. If you're relaxed and enjoying yourself, you're at brunch.

20. If you need to bring your children, just let them loose in the silent meditation class. Nobody minds, and kids love candles.

21. Don't buy $150 sneakers, $100 yoga pants, and $4 water. Muscle shirts are for people with muscles, and rhythm guitarists.

22. Fancy gyms can be seductive, but once you get past the modern couches and fresh flowers and the water with lemon slices, you're basically paying for a boutique hotel with B.O.

23. Everyone sees you secretly racing the old people in the pool.

24. If you're at the point where you've bought biking shoes for the spinning class, you may as well go ahead and buy an actual bike. It's way more fun and it doesn't make you listen to C+C Music Factory.

25. Fact: Thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

26. A successful gym membership is like a marriage: If it's good, you show up committed and ready for hard work. If it's not good, you show up in sweatpants and watch a lot of bad TV.

27. There is no secret. Exercise and lay off the fries. The end.

Where's my infomercial and best seller?
Everett Collection由杰瑞•劉易斯(Jerry Lewis)主演的電影《煤炭工狂想曲》(Cinderfella)劇照。
每一年的這個時節，人們就開始考慮去健身房了，就連那些憎恨健身房的人也不例外。對很多人來說，姜餅屋的地板還沒消化完，10月份還合身的牛仔褲現在只會讓人難堪。

2012，你可以大汗淋漓地開始新的一年。健身如同黑巧克力或是意外取消的辦公室會議一樣，是讓人忘掉煩惱的最佳辦法。如果你剛加入健身俱樂部，或者是經過一冬的蟄伏之后重回健身房，考慮一下這27條建議吧：

1. 健身房的用途不是讓你一置身其中就立刻感覺良好。能夠讓你一下子感覺好起來的地方叫做酒吧。

2. 給自己定個目標。也許你想減掉10磅體重，抑或是擔任紐約噴氣機隊(New York Jets)組織進攻的四分衛，帶領球隊打進季后賽。但是請當心，減掉10磅可沒那么容易。

3. 制定一個定期去健身房的計劃。加把勁，每周至少去3次。把力量訓練和心肺功能訓練相結合。第三周之后，就別背著小包帶新烤出來的巧克力曲奇餅去健身房了。

4. 歷史上，從未有人能夠在健身房一邊讀《紐約客》(The New Yorker)一邊緩慢地踩著橫臥自行車還能減掉一磅肉的。一個也沒有。

5. 帶上你的iPod。不要租用健身房里臟兮兮的耳機，或者使用跑步機上破爛的塑料裝置，用這種設備聽肯尼•洛金斯(Kenny Loggins)的歌遜斃了。

6. 不要相信速成減肥法。唯一能夠信得過的在48小時內減掉10磅體重的辦法就是食物中毒。

7. 是的，每個健身房里都有一個熱心過頭的動感單車教練，此人自從《走在陽光下》(Walking on Sunshine)之后就再也沒有買過什么唱片。

8. 還有一個永遠都會在健身房里出現的怪人。你剛剛還在想，哦他今天沒來，結果下一秒就發現他在杠鈴旁鬼鬼祟祟地潛伏著。

9. 教練說“好樣的”意思就是“笑話你顯得我沒有禮貌”。

10. 慎入提供Wilco舞步課程的新潮健身俱樂部。

11. 健身房里有兩種人：一種人在使用完健身器材之后會將器材清潔干凈，另一種則是世界上最惡劣的一群人。

12. 世界上不存在所謂的“抗氧化黑巧克力能量補充棒”。它就是巧克力棒。

13. 對任何不請自來主動提供建議的人都要敬而遠之。他們對任何運動都要講解上45分鐘，甚至更長，而解釋的內容卻無聊得要死。

14. 你可以做10分鐘腹肌訓練，也可以做20分鐘或30分鐘。另外，你也可以做“從此不吃披薩改吃大片蛋糕”訓練，不過這個難度相當大。

15. 如果你心里長草想要購買一臺昂貴的家用健身機的話，可以考慮買個木制衣帽架。只需40美元，不用電，而且功能完全一樣。

16. 健身房里有人人都喜愛的瑜伽教練，也有人人都討厭的瑜伽教練。記清他們都是誰。

17. 如果你看到一個室內攀巖壁，那么說明你選的這家健身房真的很酷，又或者你是進入了凱特•哈德森(Kate Hudson)主演的浪漫喜劇的布景區。

18. 慎選名字里帶有“日出”、“地獄”和“莫比”(Moby)字樣的課程。

19. 健身房的課程如果要奏效的話，肯定是有難度的。如果你感到放松愉快，那么你不是在運動，你是在吃早午餐。

20. 如果你需要帶著孩子去健身房，讓他們去上冥想課然后就不用管了。沒人會在意，而且孩子都喜歡蠟燭。

21. 別買150美元的運動鞋，也別買100美元的瑜伽服，或是4美元一瓶的水。無袖緊身衫是給身材完美的人和節奏吉他手準備的。

22. 華麗的健身房可能很有誘惑力，不過一旦漂亮的沙發、鮮花和檸檬水不再讓你感興趣時，你實際上就是在花錢住大酒店──而且還有狐臭味。

23. 你在泳池里暗暗地和老年人較勁比誰游得快時，大家都看得見。

24. 如果你已經為上動感單車課程買了一雙自行車鞋，那么你最好再買一輛真正的自行車。騎真正的自行車更有趣，也沒有人強迫你聽C+C Music Factory。

25. 分享一個事實：如果你只是想著想去健身房而不付諸行動，半個卡路里也燒不掉。

26. 你和健身房之間的關系和婚姻關系差不多。如果關系良好，那么你會忠貞不渝，甘愿為之苦心經營；如果關系不好，你只會穿著寬松的運動褲看大量垃圾電視節目而已。

27. 最后一條，減肥沒有秘訣。運動，加上拒絕油炸食品就夠了。

好了，健身就說到這兒，我還是繼續看我的電視購物廣告看看啥最暢銷吧。